8: five hundred pounds and a room of one’s own

My roommate is back tonight from a week on an island somewhere. On one hand it is nice to have her back — I was looking after the dogs, and was continually having to rush home or not go out at all because they had to be fed or walked or let out to pee — but at the same time her return brings with it an immediate sense of physical stifling. I am a horrifically self-conscious sort of person; some days I think I cannot bear to even be looked at, and so I lurk in my room trying to breath quietly, pretending not to be home. How nice it was to stay in last weekend and not feel as if I were silently being judged lazy! I go out a lot these days, more than I ever have in my life, seeking solitude in crowds because it is so scarce in this house…

I long to move to a place of my own but cannot afford it. If only I had some sense of direction for post-graduation — alas, I can’t imagine how I could possibly manage to at once pay rent and save money if I were living alone.

I need to start thinking about what sort of job I’ll take.

In other news, am reading The Brothers Karamazov with relish and awe. It is the best Dostoevsky, I think; I cannot wait to see where it takes me.

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~ by Not Alice on March 8, 2008.

2 Responses to “8: five hundred pounds and a room of one’s own”

  1. It is hard to find that right balance of privacy and companionship. I hope you get there, whether it means finding a place of your own or reconciling your current arrangement in your own mind…

  2. Yeah, it’s very tough. The thing is, I actually like my roommate a lot, and the vibe about the house is very cool and relaxed, so it should be ideal. It’s dismaying to be fully aware of this, and to have to recognize and accept that the source of all of the labyrinths of awkwardness and anxiety that I put myself through over very basic things are totally my own insecurities and fears of being judged. I would like my own place sheerly for the space and my cats, neuroses aside. Someday, someday! Until then, my head definitely requires some attentive restructuring.

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