why do I do this again? (*crickets*)

“Maybe I can just not turn it in!”

I have thought this to myself countless times during this days-long struggle to produce a final philosophy paper. After I chew on this delicious idea I check my syllabus to remind myself of what I already know: it’s worth 35% of the grade. I can’t not turn it in. But the thought of turning in a work that is so bad — so delirious and disorganized and dull — hurts my teeth, and sometimes it seems more honorable just not to do it at all.

I’ve got three pages. Eight are due at 2 PM today. My brain is in agony, school is agony. I’ll need to spend a significant part of my break trying consciously to forget this feeling; if I don’t achieve cathartic amnesia by January I’m not sure I’ll be able to convince myself that any more of it — even one more semester — is worth the physical illness, the emotional knots, the week upon consecutive week of deprivation and self-doubt and constant immersion into the obsession with producing writing that meets up to the standards of a brilliant ph.d. who has forgotten what it feels like to be a stupid undergraduate.

On the bright side of all this, my keyboard is cleaner than it has been probably since I bought the laptop due to my nervous procrastinatory habit of picking out accumulated cat hair in moments of mental paralysis.

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~ by Not Alice on December 12, 2007.

3 Responses to “why do I do this again? (*crickets*)”

  1. SO?! You turned it in, right? Because I’m betting that it’s not NEARLY as bad as you think it is, and I’m also betting that your Ph.D. DOES remember what it’s like to be a stupid undergrad….

  2. I did! Almost didn’t, but hell, I ended up writing nine pages… can’t just let it go to waste. Even if it ends up being a B or C paper (which I’m sort of expecting), that’s better than taking a zero on it. And my professor, who I have spent the past few weeks villainizing, just sent me a really lovely email that makes all of the mental tooth-pulling that I did over the paper seem somewhat more worth it.

  3. Good – I’m glad to hear that. Hell, a D is better than a zero! And you’re right – all that work shouldn’t go for naught.

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