21: hysterical hypochondriosis

I’ll say this first: I would not blog today if not for my determination to finish this nablopomo monster. I would not have made any of my last, oh, week of entries. I despise complaining and flaunting my neuroses. It’s just that I am so very neurotic. And hypochondriac. And sick. My God, so sick.

By the end of page eleven I had become so convinced that I’d contracted dysentery that I almost did not finish The Essay. I’m pretty sure it’s just the second nastiest drug withdrawal of my life — and just because I forgot to take those hateful pills a few nights in a row! — but I am awfully ill, and it took all my willpower to keep from dropping everything and scouring the internet for potential diseases to explain it all. Dysentery fits. I mean, so does lamictal withdrawal, but I’m not feeling particularly logical. I just wrote the worst essay of my life, so bad that it made me cry to send it out. I can’t forgive myself for that, and I can’t be logical right now.

I’m officially not getting out of bed tomorrow. Unless I am still as sick as I am now. If that happens I am going to the doctor, no matter what.

Anyway, here is Sylvia’s Fever 103. Because I have one too, and nothing will convince me that this is not the most perfect way to describe that curious feverish mind-glow, which is like lightbulbs and incandescence and feathers, yes, feathers — oh, but she catches it better:

My head a moon
Of Japanese paper, my gold beaten skin
Infinitely delicate and infinitely expensive.

Does not my heat astound you. And my light.
All by myself I am a huge camellia
Glowing and coming and going, flush on flush.

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~ by Not Alice on November 21, 2006.

3 Responses to “21: hysterical hypochondriosis”

  1. No, no! Keep writing! I’m coming back every day to check up on you!

    I think you write beautifully, and I’m CERTAIN that The Essay is MUCH better than you think it is. I always hated handing in my writing, and was always surprised with the positive ways in which it was received. Cut yourself some slack.

    Oh, and if you ever want to run anything by a teacher for a little pre-assessment, I’m offering….

  2. Oh, the internet is the worst for diagnosing symptoms. This summer I had a bit of a health scare, and the the waiting was only worsened by all the crazy self-diagnosises that Google and I came up with. My favorite was dwarfism (the symptoms fit… well, most of ’em). I am apparently the world’s first(?) and only 5’9″ dwarf.

    Anyway, good luck with your Dysentery. Feel better. And I’m sure the Essay is better than you think it was.

  3. I’m trying to visit as many of the NaBloPoMo blogs as I can and I thought I’d say hi, I liked your blog.. :) Hope you feel better!

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