justifiably proud
It doesn’t matter anymore if the work I churn out in the next few weeks is shoddy; I have garnered an academic and personal achievement sweet enough to mediate it all: the response to my philosophy midterm, particularly the Heidegger/Nietzsche question:
“C — This is outstanding writing on an enormously difficult subject. A+ (circled twice)”
I cannot emphasize enough how enormously proud of myself this makes me, and how significant this pride is. I tend to meet even the best grades with stubborn dissatisfaction and a sense that I could have done much better, but in this case I couldn’t have worked any harder to reach a level of understanding of this most difficult and fascinating of philosophers, and to articulate this understanding. I did everything right when I worked on Heidegger and the midterm — rereading, working with the OED and the oxford dictionary of philosophy at either elbow, taking voluminous notes, thinking long and deeply and critically on the question before I began writing — and it shows. Despite earnest intentions, I rarely work so well because I usually do it for the wrong reason: to prove myself to the teacher or my father or my friends, to garner favor and affirmation. This time I worked honestly, because I was fascinated and truly wanted to understand as best I could, and not because I adore my professor and wanted to impress his enormous intellect, and it is reflected in the writing that I produced. And it tastes really incredible.
Yay! What a great feeling, eh?